I mentioned the loss of a friend and the starting of a new full-time job, but what I haven't addressed is that in the time since, I've had another person dear to me be put in the ground. This has been one of the worst months of my life. I've seen many people I hadn't in years (from 1 to 8), which has been wonderful. Reconnecting with people that were huge parts of pivotal moments of my life, but not encountered since, that's been great. It's the reasons behind it that's been tearing my heart to pieces. Basically, if I'm not at work, I'm not fully sober. I've lost track of when I last spent a full 24 hour period as such, from (mostly just) a couple puffs every couple hours to polishing off near a full 26er of Jameson by myself. I've not gone overboard, leave the liquor for weekends (mostly), but I'm still not at a point where I'm ready to face and accept what's happened. No amount of going back home and wandering streets in reminiscence, no amount of printing dozens of memorial patches in a flu-ridden haze, no amount of funeral home cards and wailing heartbroken mothers, none of it seems to make this real. And exactly zero part of me is ready to acknowledge any bit of it as reality, so I'm avoiding thought whenever possible. My bedroom is littered with empty cans and pizza boxes from the past two weeks, and I just don't give even a small fraction of a fuck to clean any of it up. Stepped on something pointy, but there's too much clothing on the floor to know where or what it was to pick it up? Oh well. Better luck next time.
I've never been good at coping with death, I don't know anyone who is. We've all got our own ways of dealing with the challenges of life. If you're lucky, burying your friends won't be one of them. If you're rather unlucky, you'll stare at two caskets in the span of three weeks for amazing people still in their mid-20's, wondering what's the fucking point of anything. Maybe you were already in that mindset for weeks, months, and all this just solidifies the idea that life is pain and nothing else. That nothing really gets better, you'll just grow increasingly more numb to the tragedy of human existence. Or maybe it's all just terrible coincidence, the universe just shat on you all at once to get it out of the way. Your friends died at a time when your brain was already trying to crush you, just to show you you can in fact take more misery. So you kill a lot of time and brain cells, go nuts with whiskey and cider and see four concerts in a week, draw as often as you can hold a pencil, and write as often as you can remember what words are. However seldom those last two may work out, or at least that's what I've been doing.
So that's where I'm at. Where I've been. I'm partway through three posts, two paintings, designing a fall collection, and completely overhauling this site, and just a million miles too stressed to get anything accomplished right now. Good thing I got that "real job" so I'm at least earning money again.
But that's enough of the mess that is currently my life. Here's another creep! With horrible lighting.
I actually finished her shortly after the one I drew of Dan, I just neglected to post the finished result. Called her Reina just cause I like the name. She's not really based on anyone at all, more inspired by a good chunk of my friends from over the years. And myself a little, too - had that hairstyle for a bit about 6 years ago (holy shit just realized that was 6 years ago DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT), though the colours were reversed. Apart from the fact that I managed to screw up the letter placement on her Frank Turner tattoo, I actually have no complaints about how this one turned out. (For now.)
I don't know when I'll get to all the music posts I have yet to do, or if I'll ever have something resembling a "regular schedule" on this site, but I will do my best to at least share whatever art I manage to get done. I'm painfully close to being done with All Of Time And Space, it's just a matter of picking it up again, doing more than a few hours every couple months.